When are you going to have a Baby? Ah, the age old question, no pun intended. I want to ask America… is this a normal okay question or is it offensive?
Why does this question annoy me so much? I am not sure really. Maybe it is my shy upbringing or being plain old sensitive. Or is the question too intrusive? I believe we should all just put this question in the same category as not asking a woman her age. I felt especially more delicate when people asked me “when are you going to have kids” after my divorce. I was 31, and it turned out after getting to really know my now ex-husband, I didn’t want to have a baby with him. One coworker even told me while I was separated to hurry up and find a man so I could have a baby!
I had so many answers in my head to rebuttal the questioner. It’s pretty comical. Here are a few:
- I don’t f***ing know? Lol, need I say more?
- Why are you so concerned about my love making habits?
- In five years, two days and 13 hours. Thanks for checking in!
- My womb, my business buddy!
- When I find a man who is worth the labor pains and sleepless nights.
- I’m ovulating in two days and had sex with my partner twice last night, so hopefully approximately 18 days I’ll be pregnant.
In all seriousness, I consulted with my single gal pal who’s is approaching 40 about this blog. I wanted to make sure I was not being too dramatic. She is currently dating after her divorce and looking for a suitable mate to start a family. She agreed, we should all extinct the archaic age old question. I mean we believe the question is low brow and it is low key asking, hey girl you’re getting older when are you going to make use of that uterus already?
Or is the question is approaching extinction because of the fact that nowadays most women are waiting longer to have kids? Perhaps times have changed and the question has not caught up with the contemporary mating habits of women in 2023. Emerging worldwide, more women are pursuing advanced degrees and putting off getting married even in countries where men and women aren’t considered equal.
Types of questioners:
I have thought about this a lot and after spending many years contemplating and trying to remedy those awkward moments of trying to answer these people, I have come up to a conclusion. There are a few types of people who ask this question.
The Ambiguous person
The first type of person is your parents age and they just don’t realize that this is a delicate question to ask. They ask it as a follow up question to, “are you married or do you have any kids?” Or in the same fashion, this unassuming person may be younger than you and not as experienced in life. This young person may even have many dreams and aspirations of what their life will look like for themselves. They are even just heading to college.
The Vindictive person
There will be some people that are unhappily married and have kids who ask you the bomb question. They likely do know their own intentions, but some may not have self-awareness that they are asking a dig question. They may not even have enough awareness that they are so miserable. They just need to feed their ego. They are asking you this because for some reason you intimidate them or they are envious of you. After all, being single is fabulous! Having been a single gal twice I can say so for myself. You don’t have to wake up for any one! Maybe that person asking spent all night cleaning up a mess from a sick kid and they fought with their spouse the whole car ride over to the event you are speaking to them at. Either way what their selling we aren’t buying. Why would we want to have kids if your presenting it on a platter of misery?
The Concerned pal or family member
They really do mean well. Maybe your married or single and they ask you. Either way it still can hurt or be awkward especially if they have kids. Some of them may have experienced having kids later in life and are super tired because of it. They could be just warning you to try your best before you’re just as tired as they are! Plus, someone who loves you will want you to have the same beautiful joy they did of being a parent.
Everyone else
So some people will not fit into a category, and that’s ok. Most people in life do mean well and we will just have to keep believing that. I think lumping the questioners into categories has at least helped me organize who means well or not. When you can come to terms with that, you can decide how you wish to respond.
My young friend doesn’t think the question is out of line at all, it made me consider my thoughts about the issue when I was her age. In my twenties I did not care when people asked me. Later approaching the big three-O, everything changed. In my twenties I make believed that I would have three kids. When people asked me how many kids I wanted, I reveled at their response of “wow, three that’s too many”. I don’t know where I came up with three kids number as an answer, I think I just liked shocking people with a large number. Reality later hit like bricks when I was 30 and separated. At the time my identical twin sister just had her first baby, and here I was feeling some type of way. I couldn’t verbalize a word for it exactly, I still can’t. I think I felt like my egg timer/biological clock was ringing loudly and I couldn’t find the snooze button. My egg timer’s tick got progressively louder ever since then. Why does our sister or best friend’s baby making timeline do that to our clock? Its super twisted. Can we not be in our own lane in life and just be happy? Although, that’s a story for another time. A good book written by Kay Wills Wyma comes to mind about that topic called “I’m happy for you, sort of not really.”
A good thing that happened, was that unintentionally waiting until my mid-thirties, forced me to use at home insemination products because it was taking longer than I wanted to get pregnant. Two years later the Cupid, Cup Insemination Device was born. I didn’t like the products I used while trying to conceive because they were not user friendly. See my blog about how I conceived using at home AI for the full story. With my ovarian clock ticking at me, I felt hurried to have a baby before 35. I felt as a nurse, text books and medical opinions were some Gold standard that I needed to measure up to. At the time I hated feeling extra pressure in this regard, especially as a newlywed. I really enjoyed and valued our marital intimate times unhindered by medical devices. Unless it’s of the good vibrational kind! It definitely busted our honeymoon phase bubble too quickly. That too is another story, for another time though. When your married for the second time in your thirties or forties (as my husband is five years older), hurrying to have a baby puts a strain on your relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it can be sexy at first, but after six months and then a year, you feel the urge to ask are we there yet?
I think I opened a can of worms here. I want to say with this article, or the ones other authors have written on the same topic, we have solved this issue and we can now move on. The more awareness we put on this controversial question, the better.
People may not realize that when you ask the baby making question, they may be opening a can of worms that the responding party wishes to keep private. Infertility and or struggling to conceive is something that should only be shared by those who wish to share about these topics. I myself, just recently started to share my own path to pregnancy. I am a private person, but out of the hope to help others I am sharing my personal details.
Let us also consider exceptions to the “norm” if you will. For the record, I hate the word “normal”. I can think of another few reasons why you shouldn’t ask someone the baby making question. After all, it is in fact the “baby making” process people are referring to when they ask “when are you going to have a baby”. Because “having a baby” does involve the “baby dance” aka intercourse, it should lead them to consider it a private and intimate matter. Especially since we do not want to assume every woman is in a heterosexual relationship. The way you identify and gender you were assigned at birth definitely affect the baby making process as far as logistics go. So why is this baby making question still “normal” to ask?
We should at least modify the question to a more PC version. If we aren’t going to extinct it, then let’s change it to have a more respectable delivery.
First let’s start with that. I think it’s a coachable moment for the world. Baby steps if you will. Goals are good to have. Next, we can move on to addressing the other questions that feel shady too. For instance, now you have a baby and someone asks you, “When are you going to have another baby, because you can’t just have one!” It always seems to get asked at the best moments, when you been up all night because your baby has colic or a fever. Just thinking of some initial thoughts on rebuttals, “babies, their just like Pringles, you can’t just have one!”
Please be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel and website for all our latest blogs and vlogs.
Please seek help at www.Resolve.org for any infertility support you may need.
Happy Conceiving!